"Care and Feeding of Minions" by Gina Covello, summer issue of Modern Goth Magazine

As they always say, you can't believe everything you see on TV. If all your knowledge of minion-kind comes from the tube, you might be led to believe that minions:

1) are totally dedicated to their masters and can be held in check by careful application of the carrot (getting to do all kinds of dastardly deeds) and the stick (think street hockey)

2) are no smarter than the average bear

3) live to serve.

Here's the reality, broken down into another handy dandy list for easy reference:

1) They require a paycheck. Yeah, I know, it's a total scam, right? I mean, chaos should be its own reward.

2) Minions actually get bored when they're, like, between grand schemes. No one talks about the pressure to succeed, the constant plotting and butt-kicking it takes to keep your underlings content. Let me tell you, it's work.

3) That kind will turn on its owner. Oh yeah, we're talking mutiny, hostile takeover, usurping the throne. Whatever, I guarantee there's at least one bad apple in the bunch contemplating your overthrow. It's doubtful you can get enough blackmail material on each and every minion to keep them in line, especially if you're dealing with the totally shameless.

Now, if all of the above puts you off the idea of minions altogether, just remember it's hard to take over the world on your own and even harder to keep control once you've got it. Unless you plan to be a workaholic control freak who rules with an iron fist, it's just possible that world domination isn't for you.